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College guy Rusty has a problem. He desperately wants to hook up with a sexting hottie from Transylvania. So he convinces his buds to study abroad with him in Romania. His buds, by the way, are little more than a menagerie of sex comedy stereotypes: a couple of always-puffing stoners, sexy twin sisters (one good, one bad), a fellow who keeps hitting on other guys he "confuses" for girls, an oversexed bimbo, her impotent boyfriend … and the list goes on.
This whole dysfunctional group—members of which actually look like they’re closer to a midlife crisis than college graduation—jumps on a plane and makes its way to an ancient Romanian castle turned university. It seems, though, that centuries ago this stony keep used to be the residence of the king of vampires, Radu, and his harem of lusty (and often topless) lady vampires. But, as the legend goes, Radu’s favorite evil squeeze had her soul trapped in a music box by a vampire killer. And now all these years later the tormented count is said to be still searching for his lover’s soul.
So when Rusty and his pals finally make it to their destination, drugs, parties, soul-carrying music boxes and lusting vampires quickly eclipse anything academic. Which is pretty standard for this school, it appears. Even the dean doesn’t care much for higher learning. He’s more interested in kidnapping nubile nymphs and using their parts to build a new body for his beautiful but hunchbacked daughter.
And I haven’t even gotten to the vampire hunter part yet.
The good twin sister, Lia, is a small voice of moderation in the crowd. She complains that her sister and friends are smuggling in weed and constantly getting stoned. (But she’s never listened to and eventually has her head cut off by a bad guy.)
Theodora van Sloan, the university’s weapons instructor and resident vampire hunter, wields a crucifix against the undead on several occasions. A priest at a funeral blurts out profanities.
Here’s where the floodgates are thrown wide. The broad sexualized onslaught punctuates every scene except the credits at the end. (What a relief they were when they finally arrived.)
Most of the women, when they’re wearing clothing at all, are dressed in skimpy, revealing outfits. Cleavage overflows everything from skintight leather huntress outfits to corset dresses and lingerie. The female vampires wear see-through constructions with brassieres and g-strings underneath. Guys strip down to boxers or strip totally behind well-placed scenic obstructions.
Supposedly comical interactions include nudity, fantasy sex play, sex with a hunchback and Kama Sutra-like contortions. There are realistic movements and sounds, heated make-out scenes and a premature ejaculation scene. Bodily fluids end up on a computer screen.
A man passionately kisses another man. A woman fondles another woman’s bare breast. A man accidentally caresses another man’s backside and crotch. A woman strips and performs onstage. Topless vampire women run about and attack people. A man drops his pants and waves his crotch and bare backside at the camera on his computer. A man, naked from the waist down, has sex with a blowup sex doll. A breast augmentation patient ends up with a single huge breast.
We see pictures in a sexual instruction manual and graphic drawings in a pornographic comic. Dialogue ranges from crude to vulgar to obscene.
The violence—including everything from torso-piercing crossbow bolts to gushing arteries to goofy swordplay—is played for chuckles. But chuckling won’t be what you’re doing after you finish reading the following:
Some of the more grisly visuals include a realistically gory collection of female body parts (including breasts) that falls apart from missing sutures. Later, the eventual owner of this piecemeal body has an arm ripped off and spurts blood like a fire hose. A guy has the femoral artery in both legs punctured to fountain-like effect. Female vampires plunge their fangs into an innocent’s neck. A crossbow bolt hits a guy in the back and protrudes through his chest. (He snaps its tip off.) A vampire hunter slams blades into several vampire chests.
From there it’s a regular parade of pratfall tumbles that range from falling face-first out of a second story window to reanimating a severed head to Stooges-like slaps and punches to really stupid things like a man smashing the top of his laptop down on his penis.
Crude or Profane Language
Around 30 f-words and 10 s-words bare their fangs amid the nastiness. They’re joined by uses of "d‑‑n," "h‑‑‑," "a‑‑," "b‑‑tard" and "b‑‑ch." God’s and Jesus’ names are blasphemed a handful of times (once combining God’s with "d‑‑n" and once combining Christ’s with the f-word).
Drug and Alcohol Content
Two of the students, Wang and Pete, smoke pot incessantly (joined several times by bad twin Danni). Danni and Pete get so stoned, in fact, that they fall out of their chairs. Wang has to light up his hash pipe before every important decision—from finding a secret lab to stitching together dead body parts. In order to smuggle marijuana into Romania, Pete and Wang fill condoms with large amounts of the stuff and take turns painfully cramming the lubricated packages into each other’s orifices.
Anticipating a party, Rusty goes to Pete for some "boner pills" and ends up downing a handful of various drugs. The result? Rusty gets dazed and dizzy. A vampire hunter shoots drug-filled needles into several backs. People drink beer and alcohol at a bar and a party.
Other Negative Elements
Rusty is given a glass of blood that’s been drained via a spigot from an unconscious man’s side. Two people cause each other to repeatedly gag and vomit into overflowing buckets.
When I walked into the showing of Transylmania, I half expected it to have some kind of parody tie to the current Twilight craze. Nope. This barrel of badness is all ’70s and ’80s sex comedy "upsized" for an even more permissive 21st century. I’ll break down that comparison for you: This film is nothing more than poorly made, pointless tripe filled to its eyeteeth with siliconed breasts, continual pot-smoking, wacky hissing and preening, spurting geysers of blood, drop-your-pants buffoonery and rancid gross-out gags.
It is also a sequel of sorts to the Hillenbrand brothers’ Dorm Daze comedies—stinky sleaze that went straight to video and directly to the crowded discount racks at your local video store.
How very much I wish Transylmania had suffered that same stake-through-the-heart fate.
Other Belief Systems
Readability Age Range
Oren Skoog as Rusty/Vampire King Radu; Jennifer Lyons as Lynne, Irena A. Hoffman as Draguta Floca; Musetta Vander as Teodora van Sloan
David Hillenbrand ( ), Scott Hillenbrand ( )
Full Circle Releasing
December 4, 2009
April 27, 2010