It's been two years since Kirk's ex-girlfriend, Marnie, broke up with him. He's pined for her while they've worked together as Transportation Security Administration officers. But she loves Kirk like she loves TV or pizza—not like she loves her current beau, Ron.
Why? Because on a good day, meek and mild Kirk is only a "5." She knows it. He knows it. And so do Devon, Stainer and Jack, work buddies he's known since high school.
Actually, everyone knows it.
So when beautiful and successful Molly—a "hard 10," as Stainer puts it—starts dating average schmo Kirk, Earth might as well have shifted on its axis. Heads practically spin off necks as folks gawk at the "unnatural" couple. Men on the street give Kirk a thumbs-up for his "catch." Kirk's own father practically mauls Molly when they meet, and his mother is so excited her son has finally "scored" that she can scarcely contain herself. Even Marnie wants Kirk back now. After all, if someone like Molly goes for her ex, Marnie must have missed something.
Kirk can't believe it either. So he second-guesses the relationship until it implodes. At least he's got his back-up plan Marnie, who's dumped Ron in anticipation.
Stainer says the "tao of love" defies nature, and that the universe determines whether people live and whether couples stay together or not. The Star Wars "force" is mentioned, as if it too controls love.
Lewd, crude, vulgar and obscene sexual slang and references to male and female genitalia, oral sex, erections, premature ejaculation and one-night stands aren't just part of this movie, they're its reason for existence. If all of this content was edited out, the result wouldn't even be a short movie, it'd be a trailer.
Women wear bikinis, low-cut tops, and very short skirts and dresses. Bras can be seen through several shirts. Molly announces that she's not wearing underwear. Shortly after she says this, the camera zooms in on a man's groin—he's wearing underwear, but the joke is that he's now turned on.
Molly and Kirk kiss so passionately during one date that Kirk cannot control himself. To point out what's happened, Molly's dog licks a damp spot on his pants. In another scene, Molly and Kirk undress each other (we see her bra and panties and his boxers), then lie on a bed, continuing to grope and kiss.
Jack exposes himself to his buddies (not the camera) and encourages Kirk to shave himself. Kirk tries this, but needs Devon's help to finish the job. We see a close-up shot of Kirk's bare buttocks and legs as his friend kneels to "help."
Jack says Molly's ex-boyfriend is so hot even he'd have sex with him. Molly's ex assumes Kirk is gay and makes several condescending statements to him. A man wonders if Molly's a prostitute, since he thinks that's the only reason she'd be with Kirk.
There's a fistfight at a bowling alley. Guys slap hockey pucks at each other during a game, and (of course) someone gets hit between his legs.
That's one thing. This is quite another: Kirk wallops Marnie with a suitcase and knocks her off a moving cart as the two fight. Ron hits Marnie as well—the underlying message in both cases being that she "deserves" it because she's annoying.
Crude or Profane Language
At least 60 f-words and 40 s-words. Jesus' name is abused about 15 times, sometimes in "creatively" offensive ways. God's name is misused another 20 times, often paired with "d‑‑n." Other language includes "p‑‑‑y," "p‑‑‑," "d‑‑k," "a‑‑," "b‑‑ch" and "h‑‑‑." There's a quantity of obscene gestures.
Drug and Alcohol Content
Alcohol flows poolside, in homes and bars, at parties, and on dates in fancy restaurants. Stainer jokes about having sex with a stranger while drunk. A server mixes people's leftover drinks and presents them as fresh ones at a party. Someone mentions being "buzzed" at work. Kirk seems to drink for courage before he and Molly start to have sex.
Other Negative Elements
Despite the fact that Devon is Kirk's kindest and most encouraging friend, in subtle ways he's made to look like a fool. Faithful to his wife—the only woman he's been with—he's the only one who doesn't know she's cheated with Jack. He's thrilled with his relatively few 37 Facebook friends, and he frequently sighs over romantic Disney movies. Pin a gigantic L on his chest for that, I guess.
The oh-so-much-cooler Stainer says he'll pay Devon to go against his grain and swear. He ignores airport security policies (even though he works for the TSA) and pushes people to get to a gate faster. Then he threatens to stab his boss's eyes out with scissors and bite off his chin if the man doesn't let him pass. Jack, an airplane mechanic, literally throws a wrench into the works to damage a plane and prevent a takeoff. Nothing is done to discipline these guys, of course, because in Movie Land their motives to help Molly and Kirk are noble and therefore such unprofessional actions can (and should!) be overlooked.
Kirk calls most of his family "bloodsucking vampires" and tells them to "f‑‑‑ off." He calls Marnie an "evil little dwarf" after he starts dating her again. But that's OK, too, this movie would have you believe, because insulting any woman less hot than Molly is no big deal. Men sexually harass Molly and rudely hit on her.
Just before the movie started at the advance screening I attended, a local retailer did a makeover on a male audience member. She gave him a vintage blazer and a hoodie and then said, "Watch out, ladies, Howie's now a 10!"
Did you know that with a few basic wardrobe swaps someone could go from being a ho-hum 5 to an out-of-sight 10 in two minutes flat? Forget about assessing personality or heart. It's clearly the externals that need sprucing up.
So says a certain clothing store owner and this film.
Come on. Can we all grow up a little? The whole concept of "rating" people is both ridiculous and damaging. And it takes a whole lot more than a wardrobe to improve a jerk's attractiveness. But this movie sees nothing wrong with simultaneously championing the idea of accepting people (oneself included) for who they are and ruthlessly rating them based on "hotness."
How in the world does that work? It doesn't. So it's really all about the pretty people preening, the uglies getting angsty and everybody in between furiously dividing themselves into dreary little camps of exclusion. And there's nothing much any of us can do about it, apparently.
Except this: Start your own personal crusade against unnecessary labeling by slapping a 2 on this utterly unattractive movie and refusing to have anything to do with it.