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Movie Review

Becca Crane is brooding, cold, humorless and twitchy, but "hot" guys still seem to love her. New to small-town Sporks, Wash., Becca soon meets Edward Sullen, who pretty much embodies his surname. Rich, distinguished and freakishly strong, Edward is immediately captivated by Becca. You know, like a hungry cat is captivated by a big fat aromatic mouse.

Becca's childhood friend Jacob wants to date her, but her heart belongs to Edward. (Besides, Jacob can't stop chasing cats long enough to have a serious conversation.) Becca's soul and blood will also belong to Edward once he bites her, which she's been begging him to do. Meanwhile, her father, Frank, is trying to keep his little girl from growing up too fast.

Vampires Suck, a lampoon of The Twilight Saga, points out the absurdity of each and every book or movie plot point, while adding a few nonsensical twists of its own. Included is such an abundance of cringe-worthy content and commentary that Stephenie Meyer's vamps are rolling over in their coffins at this very moment.


Positive Elements

"Positive" is too strong a word for Vampires Suck's interpretation of cultural messages. Rather than having its own constructive content, this film is more than content to merely point out the ridiculousness of Twilight fans' obsessions in particular and overwrought teen angst in general.

Spiritual Content

Obviously, there's the whole dead/undead spiritual weirdness that invariably happens with those pesky vampires, who are said to be soulless and looking for eternally damned people. Werewolf Jacob announces he's now a man because of his Bar Mitzvah.

Sexual Content

Edward shows up in Becca's room at night, ogling and/or cuddling her. After making out with him, Becca strips down to an S&M-style bra and panties. Wielding a whip and other bondage-oriented accoutrements, she throws Edward down, lies on top of him and kisses him passionately. (She's trying to make him "do everything" since they're both virgins. He resists her by breaking a lamp over her head. She responds by saying she likes it rough.) When Edward bites Becca, the act becomes very sexualized as they writhe and groan.

Jacob is portrayed as effeminate and his pack of "wolves" as homosexual dancers. Two men kiss for a prom photo. (Prom is portrayed as a sexual free-for-all.) "Lesbian" is used as an epithet. Becca says that she and Jacob played doctor as children, and that she once gave him a prostate exam. Couples make out. "Humping" and incest are mentioned. Virginity and abstinence are mocked. A girl describes how she still can't ride a bike because she and her lover had such rough sex. A paralyzed man complains that he can't feel his penis. Frank remarks on the size of his daughter's breasts, and he makes disgustingly inappropriate sexual comments to her. He even parades his blow-up sex doll—a running joke—around in her presence. Male and female genitalia are crudely referenced, as are various sex acts.

Women wear revealing clothing. Seriously chiseled men show off their abs and sometimes a lot more. Only a disco ball covers Edward's genitals in one scene. And we see a close-up of his backside. (The characters watching him gasp when he bends over—as the camera pulls away.) Jacob has rows of teats on his furry wolf chest.

Violent Content

Two men, one of them in a wheelchair, violently beat each other, kicking, punching, pushing, wrestling. Edward and various other vampires scuffle. A high school student is shown with a broken arm and neck after being hit by a vehicle. Men are pummeled, and Becca is punched in the face. A man's nipples are pinched and twisted in a fight. His body is later hung by the feet like a trophy animal. Another man's facial hair is pulled out, leaving him bloodied and squirming.

When another vampire tries to bite Becca, Edward attacks him and throws Bella (hard) against a wall to get her out of harm's way. He also juggles a baby and a bowling ball—the latter hitting the former for fun. Crazed Team Jacob and Team Edward fans feud, hitting faces with shovels and heads with maces.

Lots of people's necks are bitten and blood gushes. A few animals get punctured, too. A vampire's head is knocked off with a baseball bat. Another vampire's limbs are torn off. Rogue vampires attack Becca, biting her arms. We can see from the bite marks that she's seriously wounded (well, if anything in this film can be serious). Edward then enthusiastically sucks out the venom and her blood until she shrivels and grows smaller.

Becca cuts the brake line on a motorcycle she's about to ride so she can have the rush of seeing Edward protect her.

Crude or Profane Language

One f-word and at least 15 s-words. God's name is abused about 10 times, twice coupled with "d‑‑n." Christ's name is misused once. Other language includes "h‑‑‑," "b‑‑ch" and "a‑‑." "Blow," "balls" and "douche bag" are also used. A man displays a "single-digit salute."

Drug and Alcohol Content

Kids look forward to binge drinking during prom. We see one boy chugging beer during a party. "Heroin chic" is mentioned as an attractive style. Edward drinks alone when he's depressed.

Other Negative Elements

Becca tells Jacob, who is Native American, that it must be fun to "drink and gamble all day" on the reservation. A couple of other racist comments are also made. A female vampire can tell that Becca will soon menstruate, so she offers the girl a box of tampons. Jacob lies to Edward, saying Becca is dead. Edward tries to commit suicide.

An assortment of people are mercilessly mocked, including the Kardashians, the Jonas brothers, Lindsay Lohan, Tiger Woods and Lady Gaga. Kids rig the prom royalty election box.


Directors Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer have worked on a looong line of raunchy spoof flicks, including Disaster Movie and Epic Movie. You'd think, considering the lousy reviews they've gotten (both of those films settled for 2% positive ratings on Rotten Tomatoes' Tomatometer), that they would take up woodworking or sushi making or even skydiving. Anything except filmmaking. But they haven't. And why should they? Their movies make money.

All I can hope is that this one will be the exception. That this vampire spoof will suck all the enthusiasm out of early audiences, causing them to tell all their friends to rent … Galaxy Quest instead. Then maybe Friedberg and Seltzer will give it a rest and sign up for a sewing class.

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